Online Exclusive: Unashamed

Many people wonder why I am such an advocate of the cross and have completely dedicated my life to following Christ. I constantly tell them, “You do not know where God has brought me from. You do not know what I have been through.” I hope my testimony serves as a catalyst for you to run to God and know that no matter what you have done, what labels the world has put on you and how you see yourself, God still loves you and wants you to remain in His love and grace. It is because of the love of God that I stand unashamed.

I grew up in a family that acknowledged Jesus Christ as Lord; however my family neither had a true revelation or an inward understanding of whom God the Father was, nor did we understand what authority through His son Jesus was available to us. Due to the lack of revelation, we practically lived like everybody else in the world.

Growing up without out a natural father figure, and awestruck with curiosity of a love that I had never experienced from a man, I allowed that desire to consume me, and by my freshman year of high school I lost my virginity. I felt so dirty, and so unworthy. I asked God for forgiveness, and even though He forgave me, I did not make the decision see myself how God saw me, righteous and holy. I could not grasp that God would forgive me of my sin. I John 1:9 says in the Amplified Bible, “If we [freely] admit that we have sinned and confess our sins, He is faithful and just (true to His own nature and promises) and will forgive our sins [dismiss our lawlessness] and [continuously] cleanse us from all unrighteousness [everything not in conformity to His will in purpose, thought, and action].” It was not until years later that I began to understand the depth of this Scripture.

Shortly after being exposed to homosexuality with my involvement with playing basketball, a seed of homosexuality was planted via a dream. I began to mediate, more, and more and more, until it consumed me. Afraid of what my family and my peers would think, I tried to take matters into my own hands. I started sharing myself with men, to fill this desire and ultimately fill the void of not having my Father. My behavior grew out of control, and I became unsatisfied with men. By my freshman year of college, I had my first female experience. I was so vulnerable, so open, so exposed. After this experience, I felt that I had lost my identity. I thought I was so strong in my faith, I asked, “Why was this happening to me.” However, God showed me through the circumstance I brought on myself that I did not have a true revelation of who He was. Not to be classified as gay, I slept with another guy, and I became pregnant at the age of 19 - the same age my mother became pregnant with me. I was so sick, I almost did not finish my second semester of school. Selfishly, I had an abortion.

This weight of homosexuality, coupled with the abortion, pushed me over the edge. In March of 2005, I tried to commit suicide. In my mind, I was a hypocritical Christian. I was claiming God, yet I was falling into the hands of sin. I felt that I was going to hell anyway, so I might as well kill myself. As I began to drive the knife into my belly, God sent me a sign that he wanted me to live through a phone call.

Many people may say that it was coincidence, or how am I sure that it was God? That phone call was from a friend who was deep in her faith with God, and was led to call me by the Spirit. Not Allah, nor Buddha nor Confucius, but a believer of the Cross. He loved me so much that he wantd me to live.

Today I am transformed and renewed in mind and Spirit. It amazes me how God took a wretch like myself, and has transformed me into a minister of His Word. Since 2005, I have made a commitment to serve God completely, and he has blessed me so much. When I say I have peace like no other, I mean it. Is it always easy to stay on the right path? No. But through renewing my mind with God’s word daily, meditating on His promises and committing to live how Jesus did, I have become strong and more than a conqueror. It is by Christ I am unashamed of my testimony, and now you know where God has brought me. Know that He can do the same for you!